Giving up on Love
by sefie
Summary: A series of letters narrated by Claire Redfield about her messy love life.
1. the first letter to chris

**Author's Note:** This is a fanfiction that a fellow fanfiction.net author, Brian Marcelo, said I should try. He gave me the basic plot (Claire and her romantic struggles was what he offered) and I tried to convey it. This fic a different style for me and it's filled with angst, Claire and romance. I hope 'yall can take it. I doubt there will be anymore chapters unless I'm begged multiple times and threatened by Tyrant. As always, reviews = loved. :)

**Little disclaimer:** I personally didn't like how this fiction turned out, so flaming me would be utterly useless. Thanks :E

-----

Giving up on Love

Both of them worship me; I know it. I can see it in the puppy-dog gazes Steve sends my way and I can feel it as Leon opens doors for me, offering a smile. The problem isn't their love because there's no doubt I have that. The dilemma rather, is that I can't and won't choose between them. Making the final choice and casting aside one of the males would be like losing an important organ. It would break, demolish really, two hearts: mine and one of theirs. In otherwords, I'm undecided and it's voting day. Guess what? My vote is the tie-breaker.

And as I sit here, analyzing my relationships in this dingy bathroom, Steve Burnside lies in my bed. "I have to freshen up" was the line I gave him, but in reality I had to think this over. You see, he's waiting for me and he's just a few doors down from where I stand, writing this. I know you're shocked by this news and it's not as if I could (or do, for that matter) expect you to understand. There are lots of things about me that you will never get despite how much you care. Weren't you the one to tell me that tomboys can't love? Well screw that. What I'm saying here isn't asking for your support nor is it said with intentions of causing you grief. I'm telling you because someone needs to know. Someone needs to know what a mess Claire Redfield has gotten herself into and someone needs to save me. I'm a mistress caught between her knights, I'm a fly trapped in the web of love..

I must tell you, before I forget, that my intentions were never to fall for either. I had no feelings aside from those of friendship for Leon when I left Raccoon City and I had no emotions towards Steve Burnside until the showdown in Antartica. That was when it clicked and hit me in the face like a round from a loaded glock. Maybe I'm being hyperbolic, but it ended up hurting as much as a shot in the face because in the end.. he died. He simply fucking died and left me with an empty _I love you_ for me to carry on my shoulders. _ I love you_ can only get you so many places in this bleak world and this particular _I love you _only reinforced the world's unfaitness. In retrospect, I almost wish that he hadn't uttered those three words because without them I would be better off. Way better off. But alas he did say those words. And those words followed you and I home to the United States like a barrier between siblings. It embodied all of Antartica's events and more. Every time I closed my eyes, it was those words that ran through my head. It was those words, not Steve, that gave me nightmares which caused me to scream. It was those words that became the source of my depression and it was those words that gave me reason to turn to another person._ Enter Leon Kennedy_.

Leon was the fall back boy; hell I'll admit, he fit the role well. Damned well. He was made to be the repair man and that was exactly what he did. He pulled me out of my loss and I pulled him out of his; which was mainly the death of Ada Wong. Leon managed to succeed where all others had failed; he stitched me back together. He brought back the fiesty female Redfield but at what cost? Why, love of course. Despite the fact that for the longest time he was just someone I used to show you guys that I was _over_ the events that happened at Rockfort Island, it eventually became love and my lies faded to truth.

A few months after that occurance, Steve came back. One day when I was typing up a college term paper he appeared on our doorstep. I think you were out with Jill, but in any case he was there. Same red hair, same Burnside style. Dead people don't suddenly pop-up out of the grave and that was primarly the reason why I invited him in to talk, but I should have known better. That was my fatal mistake and it allowed me to fall into this mess, this fucking love triangle. In the course of a hour with Steve, I discovered that old love never dies and that it can be brought back in the snap of fingers or in a simple hug. One embrace and I was hooked back on my Steve. My drug. However.. I still had feelings for Leon ...

And quite the feelings they were. Because of these emotions, the facade has continued and I have dug myself deeper into the grave. I guess what I'm asking you is for your support? I feel like I'm using you as an outlet, but isn't that what family is for? I suppose what I'm asking for brotherly advice and you're the only one who can give it.

_xoxo._

----

I briefly examined my letter and folded it over, adding the trademark _CR _to the outside. Then, walking out of the bathroom, I kicked it gently under my brother's door and headed down the hall to my room. I knew that Steve would be there, waiting for me. But the whole scene didn't scare me as it had before because somehow, writing my thoughts down had made it feel all right..


	2. the second letter to chris

Author's Note: I wrote this chapter in about two seconds, so hopefully it's not incredibly disappointing. I have no clue why I even wrote it, but I understand it was partially due to the amazing amounts of reviews the little piece received. I personally couldn't believe the amount of people who supported this cheesy, thirty minute story ;) In any case, enjoy if you can and hate if you so desire. And remember, it's all up to you who she chooses so just leave me a comment, somewhere. I might do a poll or something.. -- rhea@mayaku.org

Disclaimer: I dislike this whole story and therefore flaming me would be a stupid move on your point as I'd be apathetic.

----

I'm back in the bathroom where I wrote to you last time.

The facet is dripping. The tap water is slowly hitting the sink's bottom and then it is pulled down the drain. It reminds me of myself and this love square. (Square? I'll get to that later.)

The facet is Leon and the drain is Steve and I am water that just won't go where it belongs, which is to the drain. I know that I should select Steve over Leon, but something in my mind is saying no. Something in my heart is crying for Leon S. Kennedy. Something wants both even though that is not possible. Being with the ex-cop isn't possible either.. anymore.

The sad thing is I had finally made up my mind to be with Leon when she came back. She being the infamous Ada Wong, his previous love interest. An ex-spy for Umbrella who lied to him, betrayed him and at the same time, fell in love with him. She's not worthy of him. She doesn't deserve his arms around her on the cold nights and furthermore, how can he know she won't just cast him aside once Wesker comes around?

Leon can't and yet he's taking the risk. Why? As I've said before and as you probably know: old love dies hard or in some cases, doesn't even die. It didn't die for them..

It hurts me just thinking about it. I willingly took Kennedy as a fallback boy, aka a cheap fling, and now I'm suddenly shocked when his true love emerges and he chooses Ada? Wasn't I supposed to do that with Steve? Wasn't I--

Forget it. It's pointless. I feel like a tennis ball being bounced back and forth and back and forth until the skin surrounding me has burned off. Did you ever feel this way about Jill? How did you know that Jill was the one? How did you know to propose to her last weekend? How?

It started out with me being the sought after one and now it's ended, before it really even started, with me being forced to Steve. I spent a whole month trying to decide which one and what I've discovered is that the one I truly love is the one who got tired of waiting. I probably shouldn't have given him disaffective stares and I probably shouldn't have hinted that he was in some possible way. But I didn't know.

It's funny how I get second chances in the battle field all the time but when it comes to love, I don't even get one chance.

I suppose I have my chance now to shine, I have Steve. But something's not right and I keep thinking Leon was the one. The real one. What to do, what to do.

Thanks for listening.. again. I hope you get this soon and I hope you let me know your thoughts, Chris.

xoxo

----

Once again, I folded the envelope in half and got up, leaving the room. I kicked the note underneath my brother's door and walked back to my room, feeling worse than before. Leon. Steve. Leon. Steve. Eenie.. meanie.. miny.. moe.


End file.
